living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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