so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
