ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
