Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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