Pappa wants mamma naked
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
