He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
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You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
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I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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