2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
