I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
