He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
