Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We're using joints as your birthday candles
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
