I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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