I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
