smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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