im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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