I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
