tell your sister to shave her snatch
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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