The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
