I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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