i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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