Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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