As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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