How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Houston, we have a squirter
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
