i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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