sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
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i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
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I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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