Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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