I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
