I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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