I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
