that's an acceptable place to lick
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
