I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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