Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
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Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
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I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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