I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
