how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
