Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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