got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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