your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Randomize
