sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
