i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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