i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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