he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
