I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize
