Who did Billy Mays play for?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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