u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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