Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
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We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
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Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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