My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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