there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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