Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
