I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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