dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
