I haven't been this sober since birth.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
