last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Randomize
