I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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